Today I woke up with the window open and sun rays beaming through my blinds. Today reminds me of last summer. The smell of the cool, breezy wind. The sun, peeping through my window, onto my walls. it’s bringing back so many memories. I miss summer 2011, so much. I have a boyfriend now, and I like him so much and nothings gonna change that. But when I think about summer, I think of my ex. No I’m not proud of myself for thinking of him, but I’m not mad at myself. It’s normal. Of course I’m gonna remember someone who I spent 8 months with. That’s 8 months of MY life. I just miss having someone there to listen to me. Someone to talk to. Someone who would come over and make me laugh. Someone who would take walks with me. I miss having him around. I never thought of it this way.. But he? he was the closest friend, person.. that I had. Sure he’s my ex, but if I could go back, I’d treat him way better than I did. I do miss having a person like that in my life. Today’s going to be really emotional, my heart feels right, my stomach feels weird. But I’m going to enjoy it.
Because it’s better to have memories, than not remember anything at all.
My bestfriend. My cousin. My sister.
She means everything to me. We don’t go ONE day without seeing eachother. We live right next-door to eachother. She always calms me down and puts a smile on my face. She makes sure I’m ALWAYS happy. She’s the funniest girl in the world. She’s my shield, and my protector. We do everything together. I would go crazy without her, she’s my ride or die. I love her.
Cousins. Sisters. Bestfriends. :)
KJS + AMR .
I dont look at myself whenever I look at this picture. I look at his lips, his arms, his nose, I look at him. he was holding me, and his touch.. I love it. He means so much to me. He is everything. He is my rock. My love. My boyfriend, husband. My monkey. My sweetcheeks. My forever. My always. He’s mine. No sharing.
forever together. ∞
He is my infinite.
I’m usually a strong girl. I don’t cry. I smile, and laugh. Every day, every minute, every hour, every second. I just got a boyfriend, and he used to be into weed. He quit, for me. Im not a fan of weed, and my boyfriend shouldn’t be smoking it either. It’s only been a couple days OFFICIALLY dating, and people are already starting to put stuff in my head. Saying “he’s not just gonna quit for you”. Oh really? Well he’s with me ALLLLL the time, so tell me this.. When does he have the time to smoke? And then my family, my cousins mostly.. I’ve only had ONE real boyfriend. He grew really close to my family, he was the first boy to come over. Almost a year of him.. But the guy I have now, well I’m only a sophomore and he’s only a freshman. And it’s only the beginning of us so who knows what’ll happen.. Just, he’s the second guy who has been to my house WHILE my mom is here, and my cousins are like “why do you have guys over all the time” “is it weird having guys over all the time” “you having a boyfriend is nothing new” like be quiet. This is my 2nd boyfriend? I’m staying PURE. my whole family KNOWS that.. So why bring me down. Why make me feel like crap. Why do you guys ALWAYS do this to me.. Goodness! I’m finally starting to show my hurt heart, my messed up head. I’m breaking down, I’m falling apart. I should be used to this.. But im not. Why? Thats the big question.. just why.
I’m trying to be happy. I smile, and laugh, and talk, like everything is okay. And everything is okay, except me. I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I want to be. I don’t have anyone to run to. I don’t have a Bestfriend, I feel so heartless, I’m not. Im nice to everyone. Because I hate being mean. I just feel so dead, so hurt, so anxious.. Like I wanna cry. I feel alone. I need a break, from this. I want to sleep forever.
I JUST, want to be happy.
I’ve done something that I’m not sure I should’ve done. I mean, I think back on it and I’m like, it’s not that big of a deal, it didn’t change anything. but im scared. what if, secret gets told. I think too much, and it’s putting pressure on me. I keep wondering, what if we didn’t. I wouldn’t have to worry, I wouldn’t have this guilt trip, I wouldn’t be so paranoid.. I’m so guilty. I’m a bad person. I just, don’t know what to do..
